Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Let's get the cat blown out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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