This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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