I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
