I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
