There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
