You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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