i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
