happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
