Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
