dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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