I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
