I accidentally had phone sex last night
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
