In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
