Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
