I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It was confusing and full of hummus
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
