In the future we'll all be gay
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
