Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
