think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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