A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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