Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Someone came in the potted fern
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
