If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
