i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
