It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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