I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
