Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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