I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
