I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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