New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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