i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
