I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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