1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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