Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
