You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Girls should come with a carfax report
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
