He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
