it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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