Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
