you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
