i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
