Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
