My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
