How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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