Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
