please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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