I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
