You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
