he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
