im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
