My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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