I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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