In the future we'll all be gay
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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