Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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