I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
