Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think I sprained my soul last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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